Monday, 24 September 2018

I Posted a Full Length Pic on Instagram and My World Didn't End


*Disclaimer: This post contains PR samples

Do you ever build something up in your head? Make a mountain out of a mole hill? Think your world is going to implode if you do the most minute thing? Hello, my name is Sarah and I'm an expert at overthinking and catastrophising.


Up until last week all the photos that I have posted of myself online have been shoulders and above. You can go back years and you will not find a full-length picture of me.

I'm not confident with the way I look, I don't practice body positivity, I'm extremely self-conscious and am the first to shy away from a camera. I much prefer being behind the camera than in front of it but I felt like I was hiding myself and therefore, in some weird way, lying to my readers.

I am all about being authentic af; I'm opinionated, I'm gobby, I'm candid and I thought the me I am online is the me I am offline...but in reality, that wasn't true because I was concealing the full me. Everything I do and say is real but not when it came to how I looked because I'm terribly insecure.

I always have been.

I'd been told all my life that being fat is bad, that being overweight is wrong and I'd internalised that so much that it made me hate myself. I'd refuse to look in the mirror, I hated clothes shopping, I hid in hoodies and didn't want to be noticed. Now my face, I love my face, and yes, I am fucking modest, but I've never had a problem with that, it's just my body. I'm not societies ideal figure, and I thought if people knew I how I looked they'd suddenly think differently of me. I thought I'd lose friends and followers if they knew I wasn't a size 10. That's my own issue. That is some deep-rooted bullshit that has been rammed down my throat my whole life. I've tried so hard to change how I look but I've got to a point where I just don't give a fuck. It's not a negative, it's part of who I am and I don't care what anyone thinks.

Yours Clothing* got in touch and asked if they could send me an outfit and my initial response was 'hell to the no'. I knew I'd have to take photographs in the whole outfit. From top to bottom. And I wasn't prepared to do that. I've shopped in Yours for years, and in reality, I was buzzing that they'd emailed me but I simply couldn't agree to showing all of me off.

So I didn't reply straight away. I talked to my Mum, who thought I was famous because a clothing company knew who I was (bless her little heart) and my boyfriend who constantly encourages me to step out of my comfort zone, and I bit the bullet. I replied and told them I would love to collaborate with them. I was shitting myself but I wanted to do this. I had to.


They sent me the most comfy blush pink knit jumper* and black jeggings. My friends couldn't believe that I'd agreed to pink as my whole wardrobe is black and more black but as soon as I put it on when it arrived, I was in love. We don't have a full-length mirror in our teeny house but we went to Rushden Lakes and my boyfriend took some pics for me. 

People were walking by us looking and I was sat in my chair posing like I'd been a fashion blogger for fifteen years (okay, that's a lie, I was awkward like always but let's pretend I was a true model). But what I was doing was feeling myself. I felt confident, I knew I looked cute, my outfit was adorable and I didn't give a shit about anyone around us. 

I was happy.

For the first time in ages, I was really bloody happy with how I looked. 

We came home and I edited the photos for the 'gram but I was terrified. What would people think? Would they unfollow me because of how I looked? Would I receive nasty comments? So many things went through my head but I did it anyway because I was really impressed with the images and I wanted to share them. 

So I did. I shared them. I shared them everywhere. I wrote a caption about how nervous I was and how confident I felt and do you know what? I received the most likes, comments and shares I ever have. People were lovely. They said the most kind things and I cried happy tears because my nerves were on edge and I expected the worst. My world didn't end. I gained loads of new followers. My blogger friends were incredibly supportive. My self-loathing was chipped away at. And a part of me wondered why it had taken so long for me to do this. 

My love of fashion has been reignited; I've bought that jumper in three more colours (none of them being black, although they do have it in black) and I've had two more outfit shoots since. 

I don't go out often because chronic life is a little dickhead but I'm making it my mission to try and get out at least once a week and do an outfit of the day. It's not for the likes or the followers, I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it because I want to be the most authentic version of me online. I want people to see the real me, all of me and be able to relate. 

In no way have I thoroughly changed how I think of myself, I have a lot of work to do on that front but I am in the process of finding love for my body and I'm hoping in doing so, it'll make me much more comfortable in expressing myself. 

I'm still all about the pyjama life, that will never change but maybe one or two days a week, I might actually get dressed in something that doesn't involve a hoody and feel all kinds of cute.

If you want to see more of me, pop over to Instagram and give me a follow. I promise there'll be some new OOTD's this week!

Also, in no way am I saying that you need to show off everything online, you do whatever you're comfortable with, I just needed to do this for myself.

This post was a lot different for me, what're your thoughts, like it?
*Disclaimer: This post contains PR samples.

3 comments:

  1. I love the look of that jumper, it looks so comfy and warm, and I adore the colour!
    Cora | http://www.teapartyprincess.co.uk/

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  2. Honey your beautiful and well done! I have such insecurity about my legs due to their size because of lipoedema. I can barely get my legs in a car even they are so bad. I post endless makeup pictures and everyone loves them and then they see my legs and the conversation stops.
    I love clothes yet can't get anything to fit my bottom half 😢😢.
    Well done and I understand, validation is an amazing thing.
    Xxx

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  3. Aww, you look super cute (as does your dog!) Bravo for being brave. I know it's not easy.

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